The Report

 Officially, the coroner says you were 6 days old, to me you were only five days old. You lived only five 24 hour periods.

Dear Cora,

Got a letter about you today.

Well, actually, it was more of a report.

I’ve been waiting for this report since you died. It’s all about how you died. Or why? I don’t know if I can say why. Can I ever know why you died?

 Here it is. The report.

I’m still combing through it. Some amazing people have come to me and helped me figure out what the report means.

But, I can’t tell you much. Not because I’m keeping things from you, but because we just don’t know for sure yet. Even people within the medical community seem to have differing opinions.

Sometimes as adults we can know a little about something, but not know enough to pass on that knowledge. I just don’t know yet. I am starting to wrap my mind around it. I’ll tell you more as we go, I promise.

But, heart defects, and most diseases, are different from patient to patient. We can’t just look this stuff up in some textbook. We can look up bits and parts, but we then have to figure out what your heart was like. Your heart was special, as are all little hearts. Each works a little differently, therefore, each congenital heart defect is a little different.

Some people I talk to think your situation is one where the pulse oximetry test might have caught the defect. Others say nothing could have found your defect in utero or after you were born. I've decided not to dwell on what could have saved you. I'm going to focus on saving more babies.

We've got to get more funding. We've got to do more research to get CHDs diagnosed earlier. We've got to make pulse oximetry test standards at birth. As a few medical professionals have said, it should be a "no brainer." If you thought I was a strong activist and advocate before, watch out. Momma plans on saving as many lives in your name as she can.

Everyone says that this is nothing I did. Your little heart was made so special. You have a special heart. Maybe that’s why my heart hurts so much right now, thinking of your special little heart.

The name Cora means heart.

We didn’t even know that when we named you! Fitting seeing how you’re about to save a bunch of tiny baby hearts. I’m going to make sure of it.

We do know the cause of death, since your heart wasn’t working right, a bunch of blood got backed up into your lungs. That’s why on the night you died, I looked down to the sight of blood covering your face and my chest. You had a couple of heart defects, or CHDs. Two were named in the report, other parts of the report just brought more questions. But, they were secondary and caused by the main one. I'm getting this sorted out in my head. It's just going to take time.

I was home alone when I checked the mail. There it was. A big manila envelope, return address: the local coroner. The coroner, an amazingly compassionate woman called yesterday to warn it was coming. First thing this morning I started pacing knowing your autopsy report would probably be arriving. I forgot to warn Daddy, and he had left to get some car work done. So I was alone.

 Imagine opening the mailbox to this.

It really was okay. My chest hurts a little bit now, and my head is spinning, but it was okay. I kind of feel like those first few days after you died. I’m just confused and numb and overwhelmed. I shared the news with all of your friends on Facebook and Twitter, and they stayed by my side until Daddy got home.

He’s not as much into the medical details as I am. I told him what I told you and that was enough for him for now. He started shaking his head and read this line from the report “identified by a toe tag.”

Tears poured down your gentle father's face. He couldn’t get over the picture of you, identified by a toe tag on an autopsy table.

Love,
Mom


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