When a friend's child dies. Part 1: How can I help? What to do when your friend’s baby or child dies.
The clothes Cora will never wear still hang in her closet.
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You wake up to a phone call, text, or perhaps even a news story, the child or baby of your friend, neighbor, or acquaintance died. I see so many people in social media fret over what to do next. They all express such sadness and seem to really mourn with the family.
This post is for you. Those of you stuck on the outside aching for a family dealing with the worst tragedy imaginable.
For the family of the child or baby that died, grief will last for years, if not a life time. Be a good friend and be in it for the long haul. Here’s how you can help a friend or even acquaintance years down the road.
The first few days after the baby or child dies:
• Call, or if you know the family at all, just go over to the home. I hear so many people wonder if they should call, thinking the family might “be too busy.” The family might be. But, they won’t answer or will keep the phone call short. It’s important for the family to feel covered in love. Stop by and drop off food. If the family doesn’t want guests, they won’t answer the door. Just don’t assume the family is busy with others. Make the family feel like their loss and their child were the most important thing ever. The family needs EVERYONE. It takes a village to mourn the death of a child.
• Make no assumptions. Even if you have dealt with baby loss in your own family, each family is different. Try to steer away from phrases like “I know EXACTLY how you feel,” or to tell the family how they’ll feel down the line. Each little life lost is precious and different so each family reacts and grieves differently. Don’t judge. Anything they do is okay (short of seriously hurting themselves or others, in that case, call the authorities). Instead use phrases like, “I want through something sort of similar, and am here to listen” or “I have no clue how you feel but am here to listen or just to be here."
• Don't think you're "not close" enough with the family to reach out. I get letters from strangers without signatures that mean the world to me. I got visits and phone calls from distant relatives and like that they thought of me. At the same time, I didn't hear from some of my best friends for days. I think they thought I was spending time with family. If you have the time and resources, reach out.
• Don’t make vague offers of “if there’s anything I can do…” or “I’m here to help…” While you might want to help more than anything, this causes more stress or anxiety. I know you’re also feeling stressed. You want to help but don’t know what to do. Just do. Something. Anything. The family worries about finding jobs for you or worries about offending you. Instead find things to do. Bring food, look for needs. Send a donation. Losing a child is expensive. Ask specific questions like, “do you need help cleaning up after the funeral,” or “would you like me to watch your other children for a few hours?”
• Take care of yourself! Talk about the loss and how it makes you feel. Even if you weren’t that close to the family, you can be deeply affected. At Cora’s funeral, people I’d never even met cried and cried. If necessary, talk to a professional about how you feel. The death of a baby or child can shake the foundations of even friends of friends. It’s okay to grieve with the family and be upset.
The first few months after the baby or child dies:
• Keep those promises! I heard so many “I’ll call” and “We’ll stay in touch now.” Truth is, I rarely get phone calls. Maybe because I rarely answer phone calls. But, I might want to talk one day. I might need you. And, I need to know you’re there. Always. Maybe because I rarely go out or make plans, but who knows maybe I’ll want to one day. So just keep calling. Not stalkerish, but once every week or so for a friend, and every other day for a best friend.
• Don’t think that it’s time to stop talking about the baby or child. When someone dies people seem to start to fear talking about that person at some point. You can talk to me about my baby. In fact, it’s all I want to talk about. As I mentioned above, everyone grieves differently, so if the family doesn’t want to talk about it, use your intuition or simply ask. But, don’t make the situation awkward by refusing to talk about the elephant in the room.
• If you have a few extra dollars send some flowers or a gift certificate or a small trinket or letter. Something in the mail always brightens my day.
• Take some time for yourself. Step away when you need to. Keep yourself healthy for your friend. I feel bad when people tell me they cry for me every day. If you’re following the family online, take a break once in a while. You’ll be a better help when you come back.
• Again, vague offers of “tell me how I can help” make me a little nervous. I want help. Need help. Am so GRATEFUL for help. But, I don’t know how you can help. It still takes all my energy to get out of bed. Try to find specific ways and just do. Ask permission to use the child’s name if you plan a fundraiser or want to use pictures. But, take on planning yourself.
• Make sure your offers to help don’t create more work for the family. Don’t place deadlines on them or plan anything that requires a commitment. Sometimes I’m social, sometimes like this week, I feel a huge ball of anxiety form at the thought of seeing anyone.
Stay with the family for years to come…
• The loss of a child isn’t a sickness. I don’t plan on ever “getting better.” One day I will have to stop crawling through the day and start walking. I know I’ll need my friends and family. Keep the notes and phone calls coming.
• Don’t rush the family through the grief process. Don’t tell them healing will start. Everyone grieves on their own time and that’s okay.
• Don’t push “closure” on the family. Child loss is not a disease. I’m not looking for closure. It won’t get better. Life has changed forever. The family will love and laugh again, but will be forever changed.
• Talk about the child or baby. I’ll never want to stop talking about Cora. If the family seems uncomfortable, simply ask if they’d rather not talk about their child. If they start to talk about the baby, don’t change the subject. Ask questions and listen.
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Most importantly, don’t use the above advice, or any advice about "dealing" with someone that lost a child as steadfast. Each family is different. Go with your gut. Just make sure to reach out to them, show love and support, and don’t place any expectations on them.
You can help your friend/neighbor/acquaintance and even if you don’t know what to say or do, just saying or doing something makes a world of difference. Any gesture no matter how small or large will be appreciated and treasured more than you can imagine.
This is the start of a series I’m starting to help friends help friends. Later in the week, I’m going to write a list of some things to not say to someone that lost a child. How else can I help? Do you have any more questions about what to do when someone loses a child? And, for those in this sad club, do you have anything to add, or do you disagree with anything I wrote? If you’d like, you can ask your questions anonymously using the “Ask Away” box on the sidebar of this blog.
I’m always available via email for questions and help at Kristine@corasstory.org.
Resources: A vlog from Momervastion about what to say after the loss of a child.
ShareShortly after Cora died, Melinda from Earth Mama, Angel Baby sent me a gift pack of healing mist, tea, and more. I used all and to this day spray the healing mist and notice a difference. Earth Mama, Angel Baby products are all organic, sending the "No More Milk Tea" in the days after the loss of a baby could make a real difference in Momma's life. And, in the interest of full disclosure, I loved the products so much, I signed up to be affiliate and do receive a portion of sales from my Web site.
