Nowhere woman.
Opened the disc from your photo shot in the hospital after you were born. Was happy to find some unedited versions. You were a face scratcher.
Writing to you again, finally. I love writing to you.
I feel like I’m talking to you, like you’re going to read this one day somehow, and we’re connected. Keeps you alive. Keeps you here.
Usually when I write to you, I have something that’s been floating around in my head for days. I write the letter and forms of it over and over again in my head. But not this time. I have no clue where this will go. I’m just writing.
Maybe that’s where I’m at with my grief. I have no clue will it will take me next. I passed the stage of everyone treating me like a disease. I’m past the stage of having “caught” the death of a loved one. Now, I’m supposed to be getting better. But, that’s not how it works.
I do laugh again. In fact, I laugh harder than I did before. I love more, too. I love my family so much. I love Daddy so much. I love all of my friends. I love all of your friends! You know, the thousands of people that read your blog and follow your updates and are in love with you. My heart is so much more open in some ways.
It’s like it’s been ripped out and shredded and in the whole process of putting it back in, it swelled. Grew. I feel such compassion for strangers, have more patience for family members (although I might not show it, I really do), and am so sensitive. Momma has always been sensitive though.
I’ve got much news to tell you over the next few days. You’re getting birth announcements!!!! Real ones. I was soooo excited when pregnant to design them and send them out. One night I was moping around about you not getting any and someone, well lots of people, actually, offered to help!!
And, most exciting, I started an organization in your name. I brainstormed about the name, and went back and forth, and even got some awesome ideas from your friends, but realized in the end, this has always been your story. Cora’s Story, Inc. is officially recognized by the state of Indiana.
Your story has many chapters. We’ve got a lot of plans about how to save and improve lives in your name. But, I’m also telling myself to focus on saving and improving lives one at a time. Taking steps to build a solid foundation.
Next up, we need to open a small business bank account and start raising money so can do some major life saving and improving. We’ve written a mission statement and have good direction for where we’re going. I’ll share in a few days.
For today, Mommy is tired. Mommy is always tired. Mommy is a little overwhelmed. Mommy is going to take this as slow as she needs to and make sure that we start your organization the right way and help the most people possible.
Mommy took a break, well actually was interrupted by Daddy and your Aunt Megan and Uncle Johnny, and a song came into her head, “Nowhere Man” by the Beatles. I feel like a nowhere woman this week. Next week, I’ll go back to being invincible. You remember Momma’s fascination with the Beatles right? You remember listening to them when I was in labor with you?
“He's a real nowhere man
Sitting in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody
Doesn't have a point of view
knows not where he's going to
Isn't he a bit like you and me?
Nowhere man please listen
You don't know what you're missing
Nowhere man, The world is at your command…”
So, I guess that’s where the post leads today, to nowhere.
I love writing to you. I love that I can be honest and that I know you understand.
Love,
Mom
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