My second Mother's Day.

This week is turning out to be a right beast. Cora's death day is the 6th, or tomorrow, and I have to admit the Mother's Day hoopla is really getting to me.

I'm still a mother, as I've said over and over. Last year, I adamantly told everyone I was ALREADY a mom. I was two months pregnant with Cora and people asked if I was excited to be a mom by this time next year. I already loved her and protected her and was her mother.

I insisted on being treated like a mother as well. Ben got me a card and flowers, and my mom got me a card. I saved the cards.

The verse on my mom's card (to the right) captures my anticipation and joy on Mother's Day 2009 well.

Enjoy this special time

when you and your child

are as close as two can be.

So happy for you and the precious little one

who will one day

call you "Mommy."

I spent the day dreaming of raising Cora, loving Cora, and imagined the day I'd meet her, still months off at that point.

I thought all day about holding her in my arms for the first time, and spending months snuggling with her.

Mother's Day 2010 will be much different than I'd imagined. Rather than cooing over my daughter, laughing, playing, snuggling, and demanding princess treatment from my friends and family on my first official Mother's Day, I plan on spending the day at home alone taking time to grieve in privacy.

Thinking about the last time I held my beautiful daughter.


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