That Night.

You all know the night I’m talking about. A few weeks after it happened, I shared every last detail. I don’t think I could do that now. Share it from start to end. Whenever it comes up in conversation, I always trail off… never tell the story from start to finish.

I’m crying already. I often cry when I write posts for this blog. You get all of me here. And, I get out what I need to. It works. I have trouble talking about things but can always write.

I know you all know about that night because even after all these months, that post still receives a lot of traffic daily. And, it’s a big part of her story, I link to it at the top of the blog I understand why people want to know about that last night. They see a beautiful baby and hear she died suddenly, of course they want to know.

I don’t want to say I have it worse than anyone or that Cora’s death was more traumatic, but when people say I’m sorry you lost your baby, I want to scream at the top of my lungs, and tell them, no, you don’t get it. I’ve come across a few people with similar stories that their child was seemingly healthy and died suddenly, but never that she was on their chest feeding happily.

Breastfeeding is one of the most magical parts of having a newborn. I loved it. I thought it would be “weird” but it wasn’t.

Everyone that loses a child has those bad memories or pictures in their mind, I’m sure. I can’t watch horror movies anymore. I go pale when people talk lightly of death or gory things.

I saw it. I held it.

I lived a horror movie.

I don’t know why I’m rehasing this on my blog today.

Maybe because I’m sure it’s one of those unanswered questions. After reading that post, you must wonder how I feel about living through that nightmare.
No, it’s not easy.

I try my hardest to not think about it all the way through. Images and sounds and feelings from that night come up.

My screaming she’s not breathing, Ben asking “are you serious?” in this voice I’ve never heard. For some reason that sticks with me.

I don’t understand.

I’ll never understand.

And, I think many of you shake your heads and feel the same.

It is after all, that night, that brings us together.