Cora's Story.

I've never really written Cora's Story, from start to finish here.

A few days after she died, I hastily fumbled something out using my phone to a friend to tell her story online for the first time. And, I constantly tell people about her. But, not the whole story.

I think I'm afraid I'll miss something. Some important detail. Something that I love about Cora, or that I find super important.

Or, maybe it has some finality to it. Like, her story is done. I know, I know, it's absolutely not.

But, when another blogger told me about an event she was hosting, Every Heart has a Story, to gather congenital heart defect stories, I decided to make an attempt.

This is Cora's Story. It's all been shared in pieces around this blog and the web, so might be familiar to you.

I found out on Easter Sunday 2009 I was pregnant. A huge surprise. I woke up Cora's dad not even able to tell him, just a point to the bathroom, and a "go, look." We were happy because we wanted out child to feel loved from the start. We didn't want to waste anytime feeling bad about it. And, we were really happy.

We moved into a bigger place the next month and started getting ready. Well, we thought we were getting ready. We were really just taking stabs in the dark pretending one can prepare for a baby. I did everything I thought I was supposed to. I bought prenatal vitamins, and a copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting."

I joined baby forums online. I started a baby blog and started talking about the baby nonstop. Nothing exciting happened at my doctor's appointments, I was in and out before I knew it. Everything was fine. Good even. Normal. I read everything I could. I became a SIDS expert. So careful to protect this baby. I found she was a girl. We named her Cora. And worked to finish her nursery.

Cora was originally due December 15, 2009, but that changed at our ultrasound around 14 weeks, when her due date was changed to December 4. We loved thinking of her as a December baby. I won't bore you by listing, but most of our family was born in late November and early December. Turns out, she was born on my great Aunt's birthday, but in November, November 30, 2009. Ben was quite excited when he found out in the hospital that November 30 is Winston Churchill's birthday, he thought it meant Cora was bound to be a leader and a make a difference.

But, to go back a bit. I lost my mucus plug a few weeks before and felt like labor was coming for about a week and a half. My birthday is November 24, and I remember thinking Cora might share my birthday with some contractions and just feeling strange, but she didn't. Same thing on Thanksgiving. Ben cooked and I felt my body preparing for Cora's arrival.

Around 10:30 pm November 29, I was standing at the counter when I felt my water break. Ben had barely left my side the past few days, but was out. It gets a little blurry, but I remember calling the doctor, the hospital, and Ben, but might have called him first. Of course, I had a hospital bag packed for weeks. We drove about 30 miles to the birth hospital. We got checked in and I pushed off offers to put me on pitocin. I slept a little that night and walked the halls of the hospital. Finally, at about 8 am, my doctor insisted I couldn't wait and started the drugs. But, everything else was so routine. After taking a nap, I woke up and had Cora at 9:25 pm. Well, there was a bit of pain and lots of work involved.

She scored a nine on both of  her Apgar tests, an assessment given after birth. She cried much the first few hours, but the sound was music to my ears. The nurses told me it was good for her to cry that much and a good sign. About an hour later, we let Cora's grandparents meet her. My mom was so excited to be a grandma, she sit in the waiting room all day. Ben's dad and step mother made the trip from Indianapolis. My sister Megan came up a few hours later. Cora was so loved.

Ben left for a bit to get us some food, I'd barely eaten for over 24 hours. He told me happily how he gave the security guard and everyone at the restaurant pink cigars. I giggled at him. We all held Cora and sometime settled in for a few hours of sleep. The hospital days were spent with my mom and sister vying for a chance to hold her. Everything went so well. I went to the nursery for her peditrician's visit, where he told me she was healthy. The next day, a nurse practitioner saw her. I just about flipped when they told me her jaundice level was high, I quizzed everyone about what that meant and what to do. If only I'd known it was low on the worry scale compared to what was really wrong with her. A different test showed she wasn't jaundiced, the equipment failed.

We decided to get her first picture taken, and Ben and I proudly escorted her to the photography studio where the photographer was amazing. Well, her work captures that peaceful moment perfectly.

We scheduled a car seat check, and Ben made sure the car was perfect for the trip home. I remember when Cora was buckled in by the woman working with us. We thought she was so cute in her car seat and all of us started snapping pictures.

I wasn't really happy she had the pacifier so early, one of the nurses asked, and I caved for some reason because she was nursing so well. She was a paci addict.

We packed up all of our stuff, Ben grabbed the car, and I was wheeled down with Cora at about 10:30 pm on December 2. I was shocked at how cold it was. When I went in, it was fall, but in those three days winter came. Ben drove home slowly, and I sat in the back with Cora. The going home outfit I'd spent a lot of time picking out for her was so huge. I had planned and planned and planned about what to pack for her, but ultimately no one could have prepared me. I think because every baby is different. This is the going home outfit.

Cora was a face scratcher. I was torn between binding her little hands in mittens and worrying she was hurting herself, so put the mittens on her sometimes. She had such determined little hands.

We got into the house and showed her around. She settled in by crying much the first night. I think we both hoped we could handle this. But, we ultimately did. Such an adjustment, waking up every few hours to nurse her.

Ben and I sort of fell into taking shifts. He would wake me to nurse her. She didn't sleep well through the night, she was like us and a night owl. I thought this might have something to do with her being born at night.

I forgot to mention another milestone. At the hospital, I changed my first ever diaper. I'd never done so. But, of course changed many in Cora's short five days.

When Ben was asleep, he was a student and only had classes a few days a week so he was home with us those days, Cora and I listened to music. I found the music channels on our cable, and would just stare at her.

Once in awhile, I'd put her in the bouncy chair next to me free my hands to make phone calls to gush to my friends about how out of the world amazing she was. How much I loved being a mom.

One night, I decided to get a bit of sleep on the couch. I slept a bit, just rested my eyes and then could tell Cora was hungry. Ben handed her to me and I sat up and grabbed our pillows and settled in to nurse her. I think it was the first and only time I nursed her on the sofa. Ben went in the shower, and she latched and fed. Ben came out of the shower and came over and stroked her cheek. We both looked down at her with such love. He sat down in the recliner, and I looked up at him to say something that I don't even remember.

Only seconds later, I looked back down to check on Cora. I saw blood on my breasts, and this all happened in about a second, but I remember wondering how my breast would start bleeding, and then looked at her face and realized it wasn't my blood. She wasn't breathing.

Cora was gone.

.....

We found out a few days later she died of an undetected congenital heart defect.

Her five days are making a difference.


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