Dear Cora: Mean Mommy

Dear Cora,

Miss you, bunches.

This is going to be one of my rambling notes where I just talk to you.

I’m confused.

I don’t even know what I’m confused about.
Just confused.

I’ve been feeling pretty down lately, think that some depression issues have set in. But, it’s hard to even know if it’s that or just another strange place grief is taking me.

I’m sorry baby girl, this is stuff I shouldn’t tell you. The dark stuff.
Only, I wanted to be one of those honest moms. Moms that don’t lie to their kid. I know it’s hard to be one hundred percent honest about adult stuff, but I think making up stories is sort of dangerous.

I saw a pregnant woman standing in the middle of a busy road smoking a cigarette the other day. Part of me wanted Daddy to step on the gas just to give her a scare, but the baby didn’t deserve that. So, instead I hoped she has a healthy baby and changes her ways.

I don’t have much to tell you, because there’s not much new. Still trucking along with your non-profit. You’re reaching a lot of people. A whole bunch of people. You’re saving lives.

I don’t want anyone to know how awful this, but sometimes I wish they could feel it for just have a second to get a clue. It’s beyond what anyone could ever imagine if they haven’t lost a child. It hurts like they might think times ten.

I don’t want anyone to feel this. I just wish people understood I guess. But, so many do try, and I have so much love and appreciation. They open up their hearts to this pain just to help, just to empathize.

It’s very lonely, Cora.

And, rather than understanding, some of the people I love most are pushing me away because I’m so awful sometimes. I can be awful and mean and grouchy. Only I don’t mean to be. I really don’t want to be so mean to the people I love.

It’s just that I get irritable. I don’t want to always be around people and talk about normal stuff and do normal stuff. I don’t want to made to feel guilty for not calling. I can’t handle hearing about anyone else’s problems. And, I know that sounds selfish. It IS selfish. It really is. But, that’s why I get irritable.

Because I try not to wrap myself up in a selfish bubble of my own grief. I try to think about others, but it’s just too much and I turn into a monster as a result. And, I get grouchy and mean. Yes, mommy can be mean, but only to the people I love the very most.

That’s why I love writing to you, that all just tumbled out amongst a million tears totally unplanned.

I’m sorry to put this all on you.

I sometimes wish I could wear a mourning veil and hide under it so people would know and my family would remember. I’m not any more capable than I was the day you died. I wish everyone could see that.

Love,
Mom