Cora's Story: Giving up.

Since my first tweets about Cora's death, I've been painfully honest about what I feel. What this is like.

Same goes for this blog. I'm so surprised when someone says that they don't understand how I'm never negative. There's a dark side to all of this, and I've taken you all through it. Maybe because I always, always look for the light peeking through the storm clouds, some forget my dark moments.

This has been a dark, dark week.

I don't know when, or where, or why I first entered this dark, scary, difficult tunnel, but I did at some point.

I broke down into tears more than once, but two instances stick out. I seriously considered giving up. I considered taking down the blog and associated sites, going through the legal steps to break up the non profit and just giving up.

My poor husband got to listen to me rant about how I'd do this. Give up. I'd not even bother to use my education, but work in fast food and come home every day and cry into a bowl of ice cream.

It's tempting. Giving up.

I'm sometimes embarrassed by how honest I am on social media, in my Twitter stream and Facebook. I don't like vocalizing my fears, the negative stuff, because I know once it's out there, read by others, it only multiplies, just like good multiplies.

But, since the start of this, I have been so honest. I can't tell Cora's Story without bringing you along through the dark points.

Where am I going with this social media tangent? I forget.

I don't know why this was a bad week. Even before my travels.

I'm not giving up.

I won't ever give up. Because, of her. Cora.

But, it gets dark sometimes. It gets hard. I'm not one of those super inspiring woman you see in a movie or read about that never considered giving up. I'm me. And, sometimes, I not only feel giving up, sometimes I'm determined to give up. And, have to talk myself out of it.

Give me a moment to throw a pity party. This is hard. Super, super hard. Like I don't know how to even go on hard. Working for Cora is what gets me through, but at the same time, there's added stress and lots of disappointments that come along with that.

I get so embarrassed when I let people down, back out of responsibilities, and I did that this weekend. I was so overjoyed to find out I'd won a BlogHer pass. I never even went to collect it. I couldn't. I let down the people I was so anxious to meet at the conference, people like Emily that were there through my pregnancy with Cora. To me, letting people down is the worst thing I can do. Enough to make me give up. But, I can't let down Cora. So, I won't.

So, since I can't give up, it's time to hold my face to the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it's there. I know I'll come to it eventually, so I have to just keep moving in its direction.