A Broken Van and Lessons on Persevering.

Yesterday I woke up to my husband telling me our van wouldn't start. Not something I'd typically ever share on this blog, but today I am because I learned something about the new me that was created after Cora's death.

The van is our only automobile. My husband uses it for work. So, it's a pretty big deal.
Three years ago, I would have either started crying, started yelling and worked myself up in anger or sulked all day. I would have felt like it was the end of the world. More or less, I would have had a huge pity party and thought "why me?"

Something happened when Cora died. Her death was the worst possible tragedy that will ever happen to me. Nothing gets worse. I could die. I could be gravely injured and in pain, and it wouldn't be quite as bad. Not that those things aren't tough, or for some people aren't as rough or rougher than Cora's death, but on my own personal bad things spectrum, her death can't be topped. If something happens to other children, it would be just as bad, but not worse.

So those old things that seemed like a big deal? They're like nothing now.

After my husband told me, I told him, "Oh no, I'm sorry," and rolled back over to sleep. I knew there was nothing I could to help. I knew crying or getting mad wouldn't help. I knew it would get figured out. It hasn't yet, but it's still not a huge deal to me. What used to be an 8 on the freak out scale is now a 2. It just doesn't matter. He'll find a new job. We'll save up some cash. Something some way will happen.

I'm even a tad bit grateful for it breaking to show me what I suspected for awhile was true. I just don't react to the "bad" things like I used to. I'm much more calm. Endlessly more hopeful and impossibly optimistic now.

Cora gave me that. For that, I thank her.

I'm sorry it took her death for me to learn such an important lesson, but worrying endlessly about something that in perspective isn't a big deal is like running endlessly on a hamster wheel.

When something bad happens, I take comfort knowing that I'll get through. After all, I stood up, dusted myself off and started walking again after my own personal doom's day.

I decided to share and to write this with the hope that perhaps it will help someone out there see that no matter what you're facing, one day, some how, it will get better.