On Jealousy

I'm not a fan of the phrase, "(S)he's just jealous." I find myself using it none the less. I think it doesn't capture what I mean. I especially don't like using the phrase in relation to myself. How presumptuous and vain to assume that people spend their time envious of me.

This week, I'm learning that it's not an untruth. It's just one of those phrases that just doesn't quite capture what I mean, and what I assume others mean.

I've been lashed out at. I've been talked about behind my back in my support communities and in friendships. I hear of people making up rumors. I get nasty messages, like one earlier this week basically telling me I should leave the CHD community because my daughter died as an infant.

Rather than get riled up and start reacting and deleting and bashing people, I've been spending some time thinking about why, and what I could fix or change.

Many people told me they thought the bashing came from feelings of jealousy, but I didn't want to be so self important to believe it. Then a woman commented telling me that she's jealous that I do so much and wishes she could do more. I was so thankful for her comment. I realized that indeed it's a truth, when you have some success people start to feel envious. I referred to it as "just jealous" in this blog post, but I think that doesn't quite capture it.

I think everyone that lost a child wants their child to be remembered. I want nothing but that for any grieving parent. I think frustration arises when a child's name seems to be spoken more than other. I wish more than anything all of our children's names were spoken over and over each day. I try my best to remember and honor other children.

I think that because I've been able to carve out at least a part-time living doing advocacy/awareness work for infant death, congenital heart disease and the power of kindness, I have more time to devote. I think many, many people wish they had that time. I sacrifice a lot to do it, but maybe it appears as though I'm supported elsewhere. We live humbly. That's how I can work for free so much.

The phrase "just jealous" doesn't sit well with me for another reason. It discounts the other person's feelings. Jealousy has such a negative connotation that anyone given that label might as well be called a mean name or shunned. Most of all, being labeled as "just jealous" casts aside that person's feelings. That person isn't just jealous. That person wants to do more and is frustrated. That person might want their child remembered in a way that Cora is remembered. That person might want to go on a trip I get to go on, or have a certain amount of Facebook friends, or raise a certain amount of money. And not everyone has an equal chance. Most of the people in the CHD world have sick children and doctor's appointments and many have full-time jobs on top of all that. Many grieving parents have other children or other full-time commitments. I know when the time comes for us to have more children, and I have to step back, I'll be so wishful that I could do more like others.

I'm not going to discount anyone as "just jealous" any more. But, I'm asking for something in return. If you ever fell ill will or if my posts bring up negative emotions, go gently. Please don't breed negativity if you have envious feelings.

Sometimes I feel envious. I always try to recognize it and acknowledge it for what it is. I make sure to think and not lash out. I'm especially careful when I sense jealousy rising within.

My hope is that this post helps others sort out those emotions. They aren't fun to experience. They bring most of us feelings of being inferior, a "bad person" or anger. We can't just make them go away. But, for me, I've found that most of the time when I acknowledge my feelings of envy, they lose their power over me. Just like the woman that told me she was jealous of me. It didn't affect our relationship in the least. In fact, when she told me it helped me

I love being the voice for those who cannot speak--like my Cora. I like trying to amplify the beautiful messages sent out by others. I like quietly supporting others behind the scenes to find their voice.

Many people would ignore the negative. And, I do and have. However, I feel like if I talk about, it might make at least some of it better. Everything can come out onto the table. Negative can become positive and positive can bring change.

I've been jealous of many, many of you reading this blog. Possibly each of you at some point. I think it's a sign of just how amazing we all are. Everyone has something spectacular about them that the rest of us all wish we had, too. That's where jealousy comes from after all, wishing for what someone else has.